If this were well-written instead of being a horrific mess of the English language, maaaaybe it would be funny. Maybe. Also maybe if he had a real name (I’m praying to Jesus that it isn’t really Rumple)? Also, as tempting as it may be — I know murder is a hilarious subject — don’t mention dating and death in a Tinder profile. Just don’t.
Putting date and hang out in quotations makes this a little uncomfortable. Are they in quotes because you’re making fun of societal norms, or because you’re being super bad at hiding the fact that you’re actually planning murder?
- You say you went through my profile but then only talk about my face, which is at the very top.
- Why would my face be on a shirt?
- The idea of you wearing a shirt with my face on it is creepy.
- Am I the only one who would be more embarrassed to say they met someone on a Disney cruise than via a dating site? I’m going to guess that 1 out of every 2 single dating-age-individuals have made an online dating profile. What self-respecting dating-age-individual goes on a DISNEY CRUISE?!
All I’m going to say about the very first message is why — why why WHY — do men think that kicking things off with some iteration of “marry me!” or “we’d make pretty babies together” is desirable? Do they think that all women are so desperate to be married with children that they think the glee of perceived biological desire will outweigh the irritation at their very real inability to come up with a decent introduction? Here are some ideas if you have NO IDEA what else you could possibly say:
- Hi, how are you doing?
- I enjoyed reading your profile! How did you get into [insert a sport/hobby/activity they mentioned or were pictured doing]?
- Hey, I’d love to learn more about you — want to grab coffee or a drink sometime?
None of those are very creative or personal, but truthfully, I’d still rather get any of those.
First things first, Happy 2017 bitches! I for one always feel successful when I make it through even a day, but a whole year? Yes, I think I am winning for sure! Second, B and I have been a bit of slackers lately, I blame her slacking on the fact that her and Jerry are doing well, lots of sex and whatever they are doing and I wish I could say the same about me, but I will fess up and blame mine on drinking, sex and sometimes recreational drugs.
I texted B the other day and asked her to make one New Year’s Resolution with me-she immediately responded with, “I hate those and never succeed.” My thought…everyone hates them and no one ever wins. Like I start each year saying I will be better at birthdays this year, my nieces who were born in February and March get presents every year, by the time the ones in the summer come, they are usually late presents and my poor nieces in August, all 3 of them, usually get a phone call when I remember to call, which is sometime after they are probably in bed.
So this time I did not ask B to help me with that or to promise to be work our buddies or anything, I asked her if we could stop sucking at the blog and be better, so our promise to you is this: We will try, we will probably fuck it up, but we will try. I mean look at me, Sassy J Sunday was yesterday and I am posting this today, but it was a Holiday and after too many drinks, Xanax and I think a couple other items, I was asleep all day yesterday with the interruptions with breakfast with my best friend Ann then dinner at my parents. So, to you, our readers, we will try and do better but will eventually fuck it up, but we will never leave you!
Enough nonsense, lets back this train up a minute. I was recently added to a Facebook group that was undoubtedly made for people like me, people who are single-ish, fun as shit and have a terrible but awesome humor. I have met some amazing friends in it and even got some ass from it, gosh, I am such a lady! Now, I even have my group of awesome friends who we have named “Team Ram-Rod” because the stoners in us love Super Troopers-this group is made up of Robbie, who we have heard of many times in past stories, Ann, who is without question my Soul mate, and my future husband needs to know that he will never be my soul mate, and then Dale, a guy I met in the group, went on 1.5 dates with and decided we are way better friends. These are my people, and will come into play later on here.
So let get going, after I have met a few different people, dealt with drama, lent money and n expensive phone charger to a guy who then ghosted me (yes I am a moron) I met Mr. Bitter, which the name was suggested by Ann!
Mr. B came over to my house one night to watch a movie, prior to me sending my address Ann gave me a thumbs up as they were friends from high school so I had some confirmation that he was an OK guy. Before I knew it we were rolling around on the futon and magically had lost all clothes. He looked at me, and said with a sigh, “I just don’t want this to be a hit it and quit it thing for you.” In case you are wondering, this is the first guy in all of history I think so have said something like this however I told him I had intentions of hanging out again but we did not have to bang if we didn’t want to. Next thing I know we were going at it like rabbits.
A couple days later after still talking every day we made plans to go on a real date, due to the Christmas season and an unexpected vet bill for his dog we went to Chipotle which is never a bad choice. At the end of the romantic burrito bowls he asked me if I wanted to go to the Mall.
The Mall? Really? I was confused because clearly he was not going to buy anything because we just ate Chipotle since he was on a budget however I said OK. Next thing I know he is scoping out some $320 shades but clearly did not buy, then I found an awesome sale at Bath and Body Works and finally we were on our way to my house. After a few rolls in the sheets he left to head home.
The next day I spent the night with Team Ram-Rod playing poker and watching the UFC fights and Dale’s aunts. By 7:30 Ann and I had finished 2 bottles of wine, I lost $50 is poker and Rhonda got her ass kicked, yet the night was amazing. After I dropped Ann and her son off I went to visit Mr. Bitter at work since he worked security at night-I brought him an energy drink. After a drive thru the parking lot, to make sure there were no scoundrels in the parking lot I left to go home, all was good in our world…until the next day that is when I realized this would not work. A few red flags:
- He does not like to watch football, unless he is at the game. I am a Colorado native and live 4 blocks from the stadium and have only been to about 3 games in my life, so if you are not going to watch it on TV with me, we have issues.
- He works nights, I do not. Opposite schedules are not a good thing.
- He does not drink alcohol; he said maybe “a swing” twice a year when I sent him a photo of the bottle of Crown a vendor brought me at work.
- He does not smoke weed.
- He does not like sex as much as I do and when we have it he is very gentle. I do not like that.
- The biggest two however: I could never introduce him to my brothers, they would make fun of him for life (again, as we recall Creepy McDavis from 10+ years ago still gets made fun of) and I did not want him to hangout with Team Ram-Rod when we went to lunch the other day, I did not invite him even though it was near his home.
These are just a few things, things that may be able to be work on if we wanted to. I had not thrown in the towel yet, partly because there is comfort in knowing that I have someone to bang when I want to, and not having to worry about where I will get it from. However New Years day I woke up from a nap to about 14 textes-3 of which were from him. I responded and said, “Sorry, I was sleeping” then it went like this:
Mr. Bitter: “I am so confused”
Me: “Why” (thinking has he never taken a nap?!)
Mr. B: “About us, like what do you want here”
Me: **thinking we have literally been on one date**…”Well, I like you however we have only gone out once so time will tell however, I think that I am too wild for you, you are looking for a relationship and we just met and our schedules are way different.”
Mr. B: “This is clearly not a conversation for text, why don’t you just call me when you can”
Please note-he is the one who texted me, so it isn’t my fault I responded in a text! I told him we would talk later cause I needed to shower as I had dinner plans with my parents.
Later on after dinner I was getting drinks with some friends and he texted me telling me to call him, so I promised him I would on my way home.
So I called which side note, he is SO awkward on the phone, he moans a lot, like to the point you wondering if he is jerking off, then there are the awkward silences’, yet I granted his wish and called, and it went something like this:
Mr. B: silence…..”Hey”
Me: “So I am just driving home…wanted to call, you know, because you told me to”
Mr. B sternly replies: “Yeah, cause you need to explain your text, especially because it came out of nowhere…”
Me: “Well I wouldn’t say out of nowhere, after all, you said you were confused and I asked why….”
Mr. B: “Well you say we have opposite schedules, but that won’t be forever, you say you are too wild, I have handled everything so far, and you say I want a relationship **snickers** which isn’t the case”
So I explain to him that I work, probably more then I should, and that now that the holidays are over, it is only going to get worse. I also say that I drink, I smoke weed and I like sex rougher then he does and that I cannot commit to a relationship now.
He accuses me of being all about sex (I think, is that a bad thing? Sex is awesome!) and then he tells me if there issues will keep us from a relationship that we should move on. So I say, “Yes, I do think they will hinder our relationship and why waste time?”
He takes this as the chance to remind me that my best friend Ann and her boyfriend are doing a long distance relationship as her boyfriend, David just moved to Jersey. I think, and of course say, “How is that a compassion, they have been together for like 7 months and you and I have gone on one date…it is far too early for this conversation.”
After he finally gets it that this won’t work he hangs up, de-friends me on Facebook, because we are in middle school I guess and starts posting sad angry memes on our group. So I sit here, as I laugh a little and think, I am not going to hope for happiness and love in 2017, I am not going to make false promises (as I reminded all of you, B and I will try harder but will still fuck up) and I will still be the same ass hole I have been, which is part of my charm.
So to all of you, thanks for reading and please, if you have stories to share we always want to hear them and share them on Feature Friday, just email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or find us on Facebook! We will never share your names, as we do not even share ours! Have a Happy Fucking New year and you do you!
With love, J!