December | 2016 | Date Like a Champion

When I was a little girl I had very different picture of adulthood. I thought that I would be happily married with a ton of kids by now, at 29. That could be because at my age my mom had a whole litter. We joke about it now, and I can see how I have matured based on this conversation:

21-Single and drinking too much

Mom: Please do not have kids right now, I cannot handle helping you.

J: Dear God mom, I would kill myself.

24-In a committed relationship drinking and smoking weed

Mom: Please do not get knocked up, you live too far

J: Please my baby would be a fat little hippie.

26-Same relationship, Going back to church more, not smoking weed (as much!)

Mom: You know, I sure do love being a grandma! And you have been with Joseph for a while now!

J: Great, so glad 3 of my 4 siblings have some for you! I sure do love being an auntie!

29-Last week, unmarried, super single, smoking weed and working too much

Mom: You should have a baby! Who needs a man!

J: If I do, I am going to bring it here and drop it off with you and see you in a week! And the plus side, if it is a boy it can carry on our last name! (Something my brothers are failing at with there perfect little girls!)

Mom: Yay! I would love that.

I am not sure though, if there would be comfort in telling my parents right now that I was pregnant. My first call would be to my Doctor (probably a text cause we are cool like that!) saying something classy like, “The Fuck Doctor! My IUD is not magic!” The shocking part would be that I have had it for a year and put it to good practice and it has held strong against various armies of little fighters and swimmers out there.

The second part that would be the awkward game of, “Who the fuck does this baby belong to!” I typically keep it to white men, that’s my preference, so that would not narrow it down at all. So sometimes this has crossed my mind-maybe I could make up a story about how the baby daddy is a douche-wad (a term my parents would be flattered about!) and tell them that he ran away. Then I risk being a single mom but do not let me parents and family know what a whore I really am.

These decisions are endless. I have played the step mom roll to a guy and that was exhausting. It was like one day, I was single and ready for the world, the next day I was being waken up by a 7 year old who only wore his boxer briefs in the house, pushing me over in bed so he could have the warm spot and I would be in the cold spot since his dad had left hours ago for work. The even worse part, I would be in a T-shirt and underwear (I hope!) and he would be trying to cuddle. To top that off, it is exhausting to be introduced into motherhood in the blink of an eye. At one moment I was basically mounting his dad in a parking lot and the next thing it was packing school snacks and getting to the bus stop.

After that adventure (that has SO many more stories to share-but it is not yet done writing itself cause I am a psychopath and you will hear about it one day) I found myself doing too many drugs and drinking to much-and that’s when people told me that at least if I got knocked up I would have a wealthy baby daddy who was an attorney. Thank God that was not the case.

And here, with less then 6 months left in my 30’s I continue to fight the good fight and date all these people. I was recently told by a friend that at this age we have to be willing to settle, “sometimes guys are bald, have kids, still have a wife, whatever-it is juts our age” so clearly I feel really good about my future. However what led up to her giving me this speech was even better. Here we go…

POF. I do not know why I do it to myself, to be honest it is partly for this Blog, and partly cause we just learned, I am a psycho. That being said, I was talking to a guy named Matt, a divorced father of two beautiful little girls and a managing partner of a Buffalo Wild Wings- which seemed legit enough, he also owned a house and seemed to have shit together so I was all about it.

One Sunday Funday, where I conveniently had the next day off I met two girlfriends for brunch and football. Ash, a friend from work who did not really care about football, just wanted girl time and Marie, a firecracker form the east coast, and all the attitude!

I was on a budget because I am an adult and so I found myself sticking to the $3 bloodies, despite the fact they were giving me heartburn. As the say went on, I was talking to Matt who I had already been talking too a lot. After many shared texts and even him showing me photos of his beautiful (yes, beautiful) penis, he invited my friends and I to his restaurant. We discussed going and my commitment issues were only because of the budget and then paying the Uber. After Ash picked up the tab I convinced them to pay the Uber on the way back and I had it on the way there. Uber is usually the best but this BWW was in the middle of nowhere from our location downtime so we were looking at at $45 Uber ride, which seemed like a great idea at the time.

After I smoked a quick bowl alone we jumped in the Uber, and in about 10 minutes the paranoia and confusion set in and i felt as if I was going to have a panic attack. Ash then called her boyfriend via Facetime, and this stranger, Ben, made me feel somewhat OK with my decisions. Besides, we all decided, if nothing else we would get free drinks!

We finally get there and sit at the bar. I am watching every man that walks by, trying to figure out who he is, as meeting someone off the internet can be terrifying and inaccurate of there true selves! After we spot him I notice the thinning hair and ask if this should be an issue-as I think back to his cock, this is when Ash gives me the speech on settling and I seem OK. I text him to let him know we are there and he responds but has not yet made it over.

Now in his defense, I was so high that I did not know if we were there for 2 minutes or 2 hours however my friends told me the wait had been too long. Pretty soon Marie goes to the bathroom and Ash and I sit there-as I drink my Tito’s like it’s my job! Soon enough, I look up and he is standing there, right in front of us. As we chat Marie comes back and gives him a scary East Coast stare and says, “Why are you here, it took you long enough!” So he walks away. Obviously. I would too.

After a little while I am not sure how I feel so I sit there thinking about things and then my girls start asking the bartenders about their boss, the boss the employees seem to know nothing about. A minute later though they are filled in by my friends about how he sent me dirty (awesome) pictures and had been talking to me and yada yada, I get up and walk away.

I find myself sitting in the entry drunk texting my ex (the dad of the 7 year old) and then I get up to go to the bathroom-as I do, my friends are being escorted out…but drunk me still had to pee so I march past everyone and go to the bathroom.

Once I come back my friends share with me that Matt came up to them and told them it was time to leave.

Moments after getting kicked out, I know, real resume builder, he starts texting me. Telling me who inappropriate we were (fact) and that I needed to delete his photos because I did not have permission to use them, for what he meant I am not sure, and that I cannot ever go back there again.

A few weeks go by and I get another message from him on POF and I do take the time to apologize cause if someone came to my work saying I was sending them pictures of Chuck Norris (my vagina, which I can share the story sometime!) I would most likely be embarrassed, but I do not think the shock factor would be too high on that one.

So after I apologize he says, “Oh! No worries, it is in the past! Want to come over to my house for a drink tonight!”

Because I am still here to tell you this story it means I did not go, because I am guessing I would have been murdered! In retrospect, I think going there was a poor decision however I am happy that things did not progress. I am also certain he was cross eyed but I also had about 4 drinks in the 20 minutes we were there so it is hard to know if it was me or him!

We will chalk it up to a win though, sure I am banned from a mediocre chain restaurant in the middle of the burbs, and without a guy 11 years older then me who still send dick pics but I am also not dating this guy so I feel pretty good about how it all turned out!

With Love! J!